Wielding A Red Sword

The Rial Blog Rouge Catholic/Jehovah Witness/Zoroaster Hybrid Prayer Hut International Headquarters secretly located on the slopes of South Stony Mountain in the Village known as East Sunnyslope in the geopolitical basin known as Phoenix that is found in the Monroe Doctrine envisioned occupied territories called Arizona in the hyper sensitive and fake line on map region refereed to as the United States of America on the soon to sink land mass falsely named North America that is situated on the third rock from the sun entitled Terra, has been over run by mosquitoes.

These blood suckers are out for justice. The whole place is lousy with em'. And you know why? Its wi-fi. Transmitting the Internet thru the air was a bad idea, I told them this when I was advised in the Council of Trent. (look it up) I told them that air born animals will become self aware and will know our secrets. They will be caught up on our television shows, learn how schedules and habits and know our secrets. This is fact. We don't ger very many mosquitoes at the wicker hut very often, if ever, and now, completely over run. And you know why? Let em explain to you why.

For our loyal and long time readers, and believe me, there is no one new here, if there was I would be making more money selling all your IP address to google to base ads to your Internet searching tastes, but there isn't, but in case there is....we at the Rial Blog Fully Clothed Nude Catalog HATE vampires and all vampire related things worthy of hate. We have written volumes upon leather bound volumes of anti-vampire propaganda. And you know who shares a kindred solidarity with vampires?

Mosquitoes.

Sons of bitches are aiming for us because we speak the truth, we stand up and we say NO MORE DUMB, HOMO EROTIC (but not in a cool mustache kinda way),LAZY EYED, MOUTH BREATHING VAMPIRE TV SHOWS/MOVIES! And the mesquites heard, oh they heard loud and clear. Penelope's soft, baby like legs...completely covered inch by inch with the wounds of these flesh penetrating insects. What is to become of here 19 month baby shorts photo shoot? How is she to wear skirts and not feel self conscious. She works hard, climbing up and down the bed, to sculpt lean baby legs. Now, she looks as if her complexion is that of a a burn victim. Nothing against burn victims, but ask them and they will be the first to say they would prefer not having discoloring an painfully scars on there bodies, I guarantee that.

So be careful what you do, be care full what you say, it might be held against you in court one day, the court of vengeance.

True Colours

So this dude at work, who is totally and utterly lame as all hell has ruined Phil Collins for me, not that I was on a high dose of Phil Collins to begin with, but his constant playing of Phils greatest hits, more importantly True Colors and In The Air Tonight is seriously becoming a Vietnamese/Chinese/al Queda/Quantanimo Bay type torture technique. Sucks. So this will be written to the sound of me grinding teeth and Mr. Collins sharing another day in paradise with some one, and that some one is a poor soul indeed.

So Penelope is cute. Strings words together that form very basic sentences. Much like the way I type, and most people talk.

"Dada's caaar" "Dada's hommmmmee" "Momma Sair" (calling sarah by her slave name)
Its cool, we can have conversations about stuff most dimwits discuss, much like me and Phil Collins fan at works conversations. Stoked on that.

So, on to the very pressing issue at hand: Tone Loc's 1989 hit single, Funky Cold Medina is kinda of an awkward song. At some point during his introduction to what I am assuming is some type of herbal drink additive, he gets his house run over by dogs, and brings a dude home and gets all the way to the point where they are naked together.

Lets address this dog issue. He first tests the drink on his dog, who immediately latches onto his leg and attempts to have sex with him. Now Tone's dog wasn't always a nice dog but the Medina has really changed the disposition of his dog, as shown here:

He used to scratch and bite me, before he was much much meaner
But now all the poodles run to my house for the Funky Cold Medina

Now, Tone is cool with this, but then

I got every dog in my neighborhood breakin down my door
I got Spuds McKenzie
Alex from Stroh's
They won't leave my dog alone with that Medina, pal


So Tone went from having a mean dog to running some sort of celebrity dog brothel. OK. Thats weird. Right? Why would he tell us this? I mean I know its to show how effective this aphrodisiac is, but really, I am not ever going to your house Mr. Loc, there are dogs EVERYWHERE. Sounds kinda like an anti get laid pad dude. But it gets better. Lets let Tone explain:

I went up to this girl, she said, Hi, my name is Sheena
I thought she'd be good to go with a little Funky Cold Medina
She said, I'd like a drink, I said, Ehm - ok, I'll go get it
Then a couple sips she cold licked her lips, and I knew that she was with it
So I took her to my crib, and everything went well as planned
But when she got undressed, it was a big old mess, Sheena was a man
So I threw him out, I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer wiener
You must be sure that the girl is pure for the Funky Cold Medina

You know, ain't no plans with a man
This is the 80's, and I'm down with the ladies
Ya know?


You where down with the ladies until you made out with a dude that one night, Tone, again, why are you telling us this? I am kinda awkward here pal. He goes on to explain going on some dating show and not wanting to get married, what ever, I am all ready convinced a date rape drug is the less of your worries here, I think your poor choices have lead up to this point of total desperation and more then a stiff drink is going to help you.

So every one, chew over this information presented here and learn from Tone Loc's mistakes.

I've been waitin' for this moment, all my life, oh Lord....

QUICK! RUN! ITS MONDAY!

STOP IT!
People of the universe, stop being so bummed/fake bummed its Monday. Its not endearing, its not funny, its nothing new.

Really, you hate Mondays also? HELL YEAH! lets hang out, eventually start a romantic relationship, get married, buy a house, eventually flip that house for a condo in a high rise and a time share in Mexico, retire off some good investments on I HATE MONDAY paraphernalia and travel the world til our bodies fail us and we sleep with the fish.

There are 52 Mondays in the year 2010. That is more then a whole month you will spend this year hating that fact that it is Monday. Look people, we don't live on Friday Night thru Sunday alone. There are 5 days in between. Sure, Monday sucks because it starts the 40 hours plus that we have to do something we don't want to. But you know what also sucks? Not living everyday of our fleeting lives. That sucks. 52 Mondays in 2010. Lets say that is the average. And lets say you are 30. So you have only really been hating Mondays since you started hating school, lets say age 12. That is 936 days, roughly 2.5 years. Lets say your 40 that is 3.9 years. WHAT THE HELL!

The average human life span is 75 for men and 80 for women. Lets say you spend spend 53 years of that time working/going to school and hating Mondays. That is 8 years spent hating and pining for a day to be over. So drop that life expectancy down 8 years, because well, you didn't live for 8 of those years.

Now, all this math is really irrefutable, so don't try and do it in your head, you need an abacus and an ancient Mayan text written in Sheep's blood. And I KNOW all of you do not have access to that. So trust me on this. And LIVE!!! I miss my wife and kid, I hate working, but I also appreciate life and I appreciate high brow, un obvious conversation. I don't give a shit about what day of the week it is, I give a crap about bad drivers, because YOU MR./Mrs. bad driver complainer, are a bad driver, we all ARE! And I have no time to talk about the weather longer then 5 minutes ONCE a day. ONCE!!! So if you see me in public and a tornado didn't just touch down...guess what, I have already had my weather conversation, plus I already know its fucking hot. Its kinda obvious.

Any way, I was going to write about the McRib today, but you know, its Monday, so that piece will have to hang in there til Tuesday. So live life like you got a pair, everyday, no matter what day. and have a good day.

In 1492...

Dutch Browski

So I went to a coffee drive thru hut today because of poor driving decisions I ended up taking the road less traveled (by me) and ended up in a Dutch Bros drive thru. The following is a transcript of what happened:

(I pull up to the order window, Bachman Turner Overdrives "You Aint Scene Nothing Yet" is blarring at a way to loud volume for that song, even for 1974)

Coffe Dude (a tall, robust man in his late 20's with a orange red beard and spikes up faux hawk/spikes thingy and tons of tatoos, the ones I could make out where a panther, a horse show, flames, a can of motor oil)

any way--Coffee Dude - what up bro! what it be?

Me - can I get an iced coffee please?

Coffee Dude - you look like you really want a mocha (I did actually)

Me - ok, I will take a ....(he had walked away before I could state my size, and with the loud 70's rock, no way he was hearing me anyway at this point his counter part coffee girl walks up)

Coffee Chick - large iced mocha quad (at this point my order is totally out of my hands, what the hell is a quad? Coffee dude come back up)

Coffee dude - so how is your day? what are you up to?

Me - on my way to work (and I am cut off before anything else can be said)

Coffee Dude - Bro work is cool, got to do something to kill the day, I mean, I can't wait til night to start smoking, you know, the ganja!

Me - oh...ok.

Coffee Chick - ok your large mocha quad will be $4.00

Coffee Dude - BRO, you have a punch card?

Me - I am ok, I don't need one

Coffee Chick - fuck that, hook him up! (said to coffee dude)

Coffee Dude - oh shit, your right here you go dude I punched it 8 times!

Coffee Chick - yeah and here is a discount, its $2.75 now, and we added an extra shot! (so at this point I went from a small iced coffee to a 5 shot large mocha, for a nominal price, and while I am thankfull, this is not what I wanted, who drinks that many shots in a glorified chocolate milk, I wasn't planning on eating anything for breakfast, but half way thru this heart attack drink I am going to start shaking from lack of nutrients my body will start with drawing from, this is not what I had planned for my day, anyway, i pay and I think as I drive away they high fived. And restared the song. I am thinking they don't really work at this place, they are actually a band of traveling serial killers who broke into the Dutch Bros shack , killed the employee and snorted various powders thru there nose, and will burn that stand down on there way to Mexico or where ever the wind takes them. Actually, I think I know this as fact.)

Shut your mouths and get back in your seats til next time.
L8T3R

Get int he kitchen women!

So Sarah has tireless slaved over the creation of a fake kitchen for Penelope to make fake food from out of a small lil record dresser thingy. The project is 90% complete, stay tuned.

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All Right Fine.

Will will update this dang thing. Why can't they just make a machine that takes our thoughts and turns them in to re-readable articles of brilliance? I mean, we have little viles of 5 hour energy, I think we are directing our intelligence in the wrong direction. Because you know what? A good diet and sleep and exercise and a relative substance free lifestyle = energy. And that stuff is free (except the food part) But we insist on making 34564332 types of drinks to keep us awake. Where are the mind reading article publishing machines? Where are the robotic vacuum cleaners, wait they have those...oh. Do they work right? Doesn't matter. I can't think lately and well, it sucks.

You know what also sucks? What we settle for. I settle alot, more then I like to and you know what, screw that! We should never ever settle, right? That is when the commies win, or who ever is our enemy. The Muslims? They aren't my enemy, and well I am an American, so I suppose they aren't our enemy, looking at you crazy old dudes in Gainesville FL. Any way, off topic. Settling: My key point here is the person that shows you there tattoo and says, "my friend Carlos did this (Carlos isn't real, its a rad name, not intending to make this about Mexicans, looking at you kooky white people in Arizona). Then the other person within your area goes, "oh, look at mine, Bertrand did mine." Then they both compare there skin art and then obviously price comes into play.

"Yeah Carlos is cool, plus he gives me a great price, I paid $45 for this fairy riding a snowflake on my shoulder"

"Oh, that is cool, Bertrand does his at his house and I just bought him a 12 pack of Newcastle for this goblin cradling a dagger"

Right? I have heard this exact same conversation 100 times. the most important part: these people settled for the cost effective method of permanently staining there skin. I am not saying Carlos and Bertrand are bad at there craft, but if Carlos and Bertrand where worth there weight in tattoo ink, they wouldn't be working for less then $50 or for beer. They would have face tattoos and a show on TLC. Why would you permanently have a drawing on your skin...FOREVER...for the price of a DVD player? Do not settle for that. YOU and I have to look at your tattoo for the length of your flesh being attached to your skin (I am predicting a HUGE comeback for leprosy) Get the best you can find and pay for that shit, make it amazing, deep rich colors, fine lines, the whole thing, its forever! I pay more for car washes then people do for tattoos some times, not right!

So, we got some stuff coming down the line, and maybe some more blogs also.

Don't settle.