Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Express yer Self

Penelope is making all sorts of gestures and expressions of emotion, Laughing, pretending to laugh because other people are, and the laugh, the real one, is cute, because it is real, its her real voice making a giggle like sound. Warms the photogenically frozen heart right up. She makes a face when she doesn't like a food we are giving her (looking at you carrots and sweet potatoes) and its this super puckered "I just ate 45 atomic war head" face. Any way, people love, or at least like to tell you, about there baby's progress. And on the whole its boring right? I kinda think it is, unless its:

"my three month old made a sign proclaiming her hate for homo's"
"my one year old just told me to shut up and clean the kitchen, Adam didn't eat the forbidden fruit til women kind temped us, at least you can do is scrub that casserole dish"

Right, that kinda stuff would be epic, but no, we share weekly progress reports to the masses. Its not like your baby was the first to pull there crap out of there diaper and smear it all over the wall, it is not like a first step is THAT important, tell me when they take there final step after having to deal with 75 years of crushing defeat after crushing defeat. Well...guess what, it is kinda important. And I speak for every parent every where, its true, I have a signed affidavit stating so, I also have all your social security numbers, so get ready for some phone sex charges on credit cards you didn't know you had parents of the world...where was I?...oh, yeah, this shit is important because last week, the baby didn't do that. One week ago they laid on there backs with there waste taped to there bottoms, they made intangible nonsense with there teeth less mouths, they woke up every 3 hours. It is friggin insane when a baby goes from one week staring at you blankly, to the next recognizing you and calling you dada (i am fairly certain this hasn't happened to me yet).

I mean, what the hell did you do last week? Not learn the lesson that playing Bejeweled Blitz when you should be headed out the door will make you late for work? Not remember that Taco Bell only tastes good when your drunk or you haven't had it in 2 months? This friggin things are evolving. baby's are growing so fast it is making us look bad. In a weeks time we couldn't meet all the goals on our to do lists, and we are all ready "evolved' or "grown up". In a weeks time we will do nothing to improve our lives, and mostly do things to make our lives worse. Its wild, that is why parents tell you about the boring crap there kids do. because that shit is insane and waaay cooler then watching Law and Order marathons and promising yourself the diet will take next week, after you get one more bucket of KFC or whatever is hot on the streets now a days.

And speaking of expressions, we need to get on the baby chain, eff feelings. When we don't like something, lets start saying:

"naw, thats out man, I don't like it"
instead of
"WEEELLLLLLL, umm, maybe, but I don't really know, I am probably going to think about it"

Man, forget that, say no, say you aren't going out, do you really think your going to have a lasting negative effect on a person by shooting them straight. Honesty, don't be a dick, but don't be a subliminal dick by trying to not hurt the persons feelings. Come on ego maniac, you think you can ruins every ones day by disapproving of there ideas or actions, every day I am told no and tuned down, sure it phases me, phases me to up the anti, to make a better product to bring some better ideas or to just go to lunch alone, its ok, there will be around 500000 more lunches or something like that.

So lets be like baby's and where our emotions on our sleaves, I am sure it will get us all where we are destined to be, alone, eating lunch, the way god intended.

Enjoy your Turkey Holocaust, you little poultry Hitlers you.

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