Friday, December 4, 2009

Light me on fire

No more, this is it! The end, its been fun...but I cannot and will not take anymore. Vampires are sooooo lame. Never have then been cool, Count Dracula? Dude was stuck in his stupid castle and could only really travel as far as that crummy Transylvania to eat out, and let me tell you something about eating Hungarian's, its no Samoan. Plus what was he the Count of? Was he the count of the rocky, vampire infested little burb that he terrorized? Why is this a big deal, that polygamist dude in Northern Arizona/Southern Utah had a bigger district to terrorize and he isn't glorified. I am sure there are plenty of blood drinking, flesh tearing, awkward sexually ambiguous dudes all over the forgotten margin towns of eastern Europe. But I will give it up to the Count for at least being an OG (never mind the legend of Vlad the Impaler were this story emerged from, because, well, history is for game shows involving 5th graders and channel 71 Cox Cable, not for blogs.)

What is really tipping the scales here is this situation we have with all these G-D vampires that have nice hair and hunky looks and are driving me nuts. Lets take it back a good 15 years. Interview With a Vampire. This is the gold standard of modern day vamparism, homo-erotic, powder faced, foppy pansy's with a lust for blood and being totally lame. Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise and that one girl with the weird placed eyes...not scary, not cool, totally dumb. What is it that attracts the masses to this level of total mediocracy, because that is all vampires are, mediocre. They don't savagely tear flesh like say a zombie or even a werewolf (who are also on thin ice with me) They are sexually repressed and take it out by being creepy and not by being sexual psychopaths like say a jack the ripper of mass murder. They are just run of the mill immortals, and not cool immortals like Highlanders, just lame ass blood drinking immortals.

Now what is this nonsense with The Vampire Chronicles, Twilight, True Blood, Underworld. Come on this stuff SUCKS sooo bad. I can't even stomach enough bile to spew hatred about this crap. its like episodes of the OC mixed with lust for death, but not in an overtly offensive way. Its a disgrace. I will raise my daughter to respect and fear zombies, dragons, Krakens, Medusa, minotaurs, right-wing pundits, Norwegian Black Metal Bands, evil mermen/maids, sword wielding imps, witches, abominable snowmen, chupacapra, fallen angels, public restrooms, club promoters, goblins, ghouls, banshee's, machines that will eventually take over the future, sentinels, Babylonian gods, evil clowns, third world dictators, the cast of Lethal Weapon 2, cyclops, trolls, smurfs, rusty nails, ghost pirates, tree nyphs, 3/4th length billowing pant/shorts, chimney sweeps, medicine men, skin walkers, that evil flesh eating Hindu sect from Indian Jones: Temple of Doom, hydras, manticores, titans, decrepit unicorns, Nile Fever, talking Sphinx, public speaking, islands run sour with Dinosaurs, giant apes, North Korean Double Agents, giants, and plastic surgery for cosmetic purposes.

But not vampires, that stuff is for the birds.

Protect your necks.

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