Friday, January 30, 2009

He's a killaaah!

Well, its several weeks and counting til the big day, that's right, the day they shut my cable off. In an effort in this weak economy to try and stick it to the media tyrants Cox, I will be no longer subscribing to their lies and celebrity gossip. (actually, Sarah will be out of work for a while and that is the only thing we can cut, but with the advent of play it now on Netflix, an increased Netflix load, Hulu, the major networks providing the shows online and youtube, plus a 25ft RCA cable and a firewire A/V out, my day should still be filled with "How I met Your Mother", "Mad Men", and "The Soup" again) But this brings me to the greatest loss, the TNT marathons (no not Law and Order, scene em' all, it was one of the ten things I do before I die lists, and I am one more line closer to dying) but the somewhat excellent multi sequel movie marathons I will miss. Last weekend they played all the Rocky movies. There will pro bally, I am talking 89%, I will never rent all the Rocky movies, its not that I don't like them, I do, but never will I be motivated to rent them/download/re-in act them in consecutive order. I will miss this option. And with that preface I will jump into my beef with the Rocky series.

The Rocky series starts with the best of the sextet, Rocky. Although the movie contains realistic elements and is set in a believable arena, it is essentially a fairy tale about a down-and-out pugilist who gets a chance at the fight of a lifetime, and, at the same time, wins the girl. Rocky certainly didn't invent all the sports movie cliche's , they were around long before the mid-'70s - but it applied them in a way that captivated audiences and didn't seem over-the-top. Since 1976, nearly every film featuring a big sports comeback and triumph has been inspired by and/or compared to Rocky, regardless of whether it involves boxing or not. Some say its a metaphor for Sly's entry into the acting world, but that some people are Rick and I don't trust anything I don't tell him, so thats that. Any way, its a good movie, you have the love interest, the coming of age, the prince and poper stuff, all good stuff.

Then we get to Rocky 2. A continuation of were Rocky left off, a dumb, human, greasy Rocky who is tyring to melt into the world of not pro boxing. He gets excited about the cold hearted Adrians pregnancy, he sells his car to the sleezy Paulie and creates a real element to the whole situation. He shoots commercials, but understands he isn't part of that world, he is blue collar, he is street he is a dumb boxer. He gets with crass trainer Mickey again to fight Apollo Creed, mostly to pay his bills. A good continuation of the drama and human elements created in Rocky (I write all this with the understanding that the reader knows the fight scenes are retarded. What boxing match consists of solely taking punches to the face on both sides, but I digress.)

Now, here is where the series goes over the top and starts sucking the ass of sequel hell. Rocky 3 enters with a rich, bad 80's hair do and a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan. This right here starts the theme of What the Eff!!!! Really, we bring Rocky and Adrian back to life to have them wrestle Hulk Hogan? Ok, didn't someone send Sly a memo that he was 4'7" and 200 lbs smaller than the hulkster? And then Rocky gets the statue and then Clubber Lang shows up. As a fan of Mr. T, I enjoyed HIS performance, his one liners, his looks, his bulge, all good. But the weird animosity between Mickey and him, plus Mickeys death (we get some of the best Mickey quotes in this movie, un fortunately) Then the homo erotic beach scene with Apollo as he steps in as Rocky trainer, plus the god damn "Eye of the Tiger"....all suck. then Rocky rope a dopes Clubber, by getting his ass kicked for three rounds then gets into a fifth gear and beating the hell out of clubber? Really? Gay.

So, as the Rocky series as progressed from a great sports movie to a parody of its self we get Rocky 4. I don't hate Rocky 4 as much as three for several elements. the unintentional comedy is unchecked, the socio-politcal elements are excellent, Dolph Lundgren is a fine specimen of human mass and the Red Sonja chick is hot. We all probally now Rocky 4 the best, robots, Apollo's death, questionable Russian training tactics, Rocky hauling logs in Siberia, and of course following his victory, Rocky gives an impassioned speech to the crowd, acknowledging their initial and mutual disdain for each other, and how they've come to respect and admire each other during the fight. Saying that the brutal battle between him and Drago in the ring was better than war between their two countries, he brings the crowd, including the Politburo, to its feet in applause, by claiming that "if I can change... and you can change... everybody can change!"

I have skipped the rest of the series, people tell me Balboa was good, but these people are Rynn and he likes Casey jacobson as a starting shooting guard and the television show Charmed, so that's that. Any way, the series is sorta like a metaphor for art. it needs to be static, it needs change and chaos or we get a steady decline into bull shit, forced fed nonsense. See all the horror remakes ie:Texas chainsaw massacre or the New Friday the 13th (note to producers, Jason wasn't the killer in the first movie, and he didn't wear the mask until Friday 13 3) As this is a "Rial" blog, Sarah also agrees with me whole heart idly, she said so as I ranted this for about an hour as she gave her self a facial and I think possibly slept.

Speaking of Sarah, she is excited that Obama is the president. Not because she voted for him or thinks he is anything more than another bullshit politician, but because he will be our child's Ronald Reagan, and he is a better choice for that then John Mccain, you know, because of the black thing. By our kids Ronald Reagan we mean he is the first president we vaguely remember and that is somehow special. Sarah has been having some pretty hard contractions, take your breathe away style contractions, but nothing too close together. She bought some strappy, latched home brewed milk container bra things, I guess to ease the breast feeding mechanics. She got them at some Scottsdale Maternity Boutique for half the price Babies R ripoff charges. Next to restaurant food and gas, baby stuff is the worlds biggest racket. Maybe college texts books are, so scratch that, it goes Textbooks, restaurant food, Gas, Insurance, then baby stuff.

UUMMMM......I think that's it.
"they drew first blood" (radio out)


  1. dang. that's a long post about rocky.
    hopefully, the baby comes soon and you won't be thinking about tv!

  2. It was edited down to that size. I will always have Rocky on my mind.