Saturday, March 7, 2009

Roll me over and let me go Running free with the buffalo

Its my birthday today, and I am more depressed then ever that I do not have the stuff I have credit card debt for. Mainly my Imac and my Canon with that prefaced, pictures of my child, born Wednesday, will be uploaded later as I scour the earth for cables and programs and spend 2-9 hours at Data Doctors. (not really, but I might as well. What is so hard about plugging 98% of all digi cameras into a USP port and having them open in a program that is easy to use and a factory default? Seriously, what is so hard about that? I am looking at you Microsoft and Kodak. Easyshare z730 my ass.)

But yes, the whole point of me randomly typing keys and then using spell check to make sentences has finally come to fruition, I am now a father (roll of eyes) and Sarah is now a mother (said with alot more sense of security).

Penelope Amelia Francis Rial was born at 7:57 pm on March 4th 2009. She was 7.13 lbs, 19 inchs and rocking a Thin Lizzy shirt. It was the Jailbreak album cover shirt, so this leads me to believe I need to ween her off shopping at hot topic. Whats that? Stop talking about nonsense and half truths and quit beating around the bush? Tell you about the birth and the whole experience? Well fine.

So Sarah was in Labor for 45 years and a couple days, break that down into western time (I am now a part time Zoroaster and a full time Flat Earth Society, so you will have to excuse my rejecting the western calenders and science.) she was in labor for 36 hours. If you are a disciple of the Siefu Rza, you will notice the numeric connection to the number 36...if you are not I will spare you details, just go out and buy that Wu double disc, that's all the education you need. So...17 hours of that was all potossined up and sans pain killers. For those of you who don't know about potossin, it is this magical drug that rips open your cervix ala the alien ripping thru Bishop in Alien (the movie, 2nd reference for those long time readers.) So, Sarah resembled the possessed girl in the exorcist for 17 hours before she broke and asked for the Epidural. We wanted to do a natural birth, but the amount of pain she was going thru should only be experienced by "enemy" combatants (il)legally held at Guantanamo Bay.

After Sarah received the juice, she did a total 180, literally, she turned 180 degrees so the Dr. could administer the spine needle. then she was talkative and able to sleep. With in ten hours she went from a 2cm opening to a personal pan pizza sized 10 cm. Then it was baby time. The actual birth was casual and quick, me and the nurses arm wrestled in between contractions, the Doctor took phone calls, I checked in on a basketball game. I also cut the chord. I didn't cut it all the way and it squirt Stem Cell enriched blood all over Sarah's face, I was attempting to heal acne scars. The babe was born, cried, the disgusting other thing that follows the baby came out and everyone agreed that it was best left in its nasty pool of liquid and thrown out to the dogs. We where held roughly 48 hours after the birth, because Sarah's water had broke like 23 hours before the baby was born, so we had to check for infections. then we were released.

Now, what did I learn out of all this wonderful and life changing events? Hospitals are instrument of the parking garage industry. The sole purpose of hospitals are to serve the parking infrastructure industry's will. I spent $28 on parking over the 4 days at the hospital. And that is with validation from the hospital. I think I made a list of the worlds biggest rackets once, well I am adding parking at hospitals to that one. Jeez.

So, the next post, which will have pictures, will also cover topics like: the baby born in the same week as me and Sarah's birthday! My mom not liking the baby's name because its a Greek name, me and Sarah giving the baby a long pretentious name in a shout out to Mexican American immigrants, and how to stop your cravings for macadamia nuts, 34 simple steps.

See you guys in the funny pages.

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