Tuesday, October 19, 2010

True Colours

So this dude at work, who is totally and utterly lame as all hell has ruined Phil Collins for me, not that I was on a high dose of Phil Collins to begin with, but his constant playing of Phils greatest hits, more importantly True Colors and In The Air Tonight is seriously becoming a Vietnamese/Chinese/al Queda/Quantanimo Bay type torture technique. Sucks. So this will be written to the sound of me grinding teeth and Mr. Collins sharing another day in paradise with some one, and that some one is a poor soul indeed.

So Penelope is cute. Strings words together that form very basic sentences. Much like the way I type, and most people talk.

"Dada's caaar" "Dada's hommmmmee" "Momma Sair" (calling sarah by her slave name)
Its cool, we can have conversations about stuff most dimwits discuss, much like me and Phil Collins fan at works conversations. Stoked on that.

So, on to the very pressing issue at hand: Tone Loc's 1989 hit single, Funky Cold Medina is kinda of an awkward song. At some point during his introduction to what I am assuming is some type of herbal drink additive, he gets his house run over by dogs, and brings a dude home and gets all the way to the point where they are naked together.

Lets address this dog issue. He first tests the drink on his dog, who immediately latches onto his leg and attempts to have sex with him. Now Tone's dog wasn't always a nice dog but the Medina has really changed the disposition of his dog, as shown here:

He used to scratch and bite me, before he was much much meaner
But now all the poodles run to my house for the Funky Cold Medina

Now, Tone is cool with this, but then

I got every dog in my neighborhood breakin down my door
I got Spuds McKenzie
Alex from Stroh's
They won't leave my dog alone with that Medina, pal

So Tone went from having a mean dog to running some sort of celebrity dog brothel. OK. Thats weird. Right? Why would he tell us this? I mean I know its to show how effective this aphrodisiac is, but really, I am not ever going to your house Mr. Loc, there are dogs EVERYWHERE. Sounds kinda like an anti get laid pad dude. But it gets better. Lets let Tone explain:

I went up to this girl, she said, Hi, my name is Sheena
I thought she'd be good to go with a little Funky Cold Medina
She said, I'd like a drink, I said, Ehm - ok, I'll go get it
Then a couple sips she cold licked her lips, and I knew that she was with it
So I took her to my crib, and everything went well as planned
But when she got undressed, it was a big old mess, Sheena was a man
So I threw him out, I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer wiener
You must be sure that the girl is pure for the Funky Cold Medina

You know, ain't no plans with a man
This is the 80's, and I'm down with the ladies
Ya know?

You where down with the ladies until you made out with a dude that one night, Tone, again, why are you telling us this? I am kinda awkward here pal. He goes on to explain going on some dating show and not wanting to get married, what ever, I am all ready convinced a date rape drug is the less of your worries here, I think your poor choices have lead up to this point of total desperation and more then a stiff drink is going to help you.

So every one, chew over this information presented here and learn from Tone Loc's mistakes.

I've been waitin' for this moment, all my life, oh Lord....

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